The Jagged Edge of Sanity

From Bogs to Gravy.

“Another pint Neil?”

“Yes, of course, do I ever say no Will?

“No, I don’t recall you ever saying no. Unless, if it’s for a day’s work or commitment in a relationship.”

“Cheeky git, I work, sometimes. I’m just a little choosier about what I do with my time Will.”

Will comes back with a couple of pints, and they chill out and light up a few cigarettes. Each gulp of beer loosens the tongue and after three pints the two friends are chatting about ex-girlfriends and the old days. Then it’s on to holidays they’ve been on, nightclubs in dodgy towns and music from the nineties. 

Just then, Mike turned up, a little later than expected, but they’d got used to that with him, he wasn’t exactly reliable. They’d been friends with Mike since they all met in secondary school.

“Hello Mike, where have you been? We’ve already had a few. You need to catch up.”

“Alright lads, yeah, I’ll catch up, don’t you worry. I got held up at work, the new receptionist needed some help, you know what it’s like?”

A few hours later the three men were drunk and being a bit silly. They had made friends with a few girls on a different table, and they were trying to show off. Mike was talking about his fantastic skiing abilities; Neil was boasting about his deep-sea diving skills and Will told tales of his recent trek up several Munro mountains in Scotland. The ladies were being polite and smiling as the right times. One of the women called Zara said,

“You guys seem super fit and up for a challenge, how about you go to Cornwall and try tomb-stoning or base jump from the Shard in London?”

The boys laughed and then Zara came back with more dares.

“What about volcano boarding? Or Wingboarding?

Neil said, “we could always go youth hosteling with Chris Eubank”, a TV idea from the fictional Alan Partridge. By now they were all in stitches, but Zara was extremely devilish, she didn’t want the night to end without setting the lads up for some fun but dangerous adventure.

After a funny and entertaining night, the lads had agreed to go bog snorkelling during the August Bank Holiday. Zara’s father was one of the original organisers which was devised in a pub after a heavy night drinking.

Their award would be another evening of drinking and stupidity with the Zara, Faye and Anita. The young women were colleagues and were celebrating Faye’s promotion at their accountancy firm.

Anita wrote down their mission and gave them two weeks to go to Llanwrtyd Wells and compete in the Bog Snorkelling World Championship.

Over the coming week, the boys got together and worked out a plan to get to Wales and enter the tournament. Neil was going to get them booked into the competition, Mike was going to arrange the accommodation, a nice little Airbnb, and Will was going to drive and arrange the equipment.

It sounded a bit bonkers, but the lads were really looking forward to it, it was like a mini holiday. The only issue was that none of them were really experienced in snorkelling and none of them had any idea what the bogs were like.

When the arrived at the Airbnb, there was a key box by the white door and once they had found the code, they were able to enter the three bedroomed apartment. It was clean and modern and had plenty of space for their equipment. They had a day to themselves before the shenanigans to check the town out.

First things first was to get to the pub and sink a few well-deserved beers. The town was busy and there were loads of people there for the World Championship. Bog snorkelling is a competitive sport where competitors race through a muddy, sixty-yard trench cut through a peat bog, using flippers and snorkels to propel themselves. The person to complete two lengths in the fastest time possible is the winner.

That night they went out for dinner and met a couple of brothers who loved bog snorkelling, it was their fifth time at the event. They said it was a great place to meet girls, which was the real reason they attended. Mike, Neil and Will were all single, so liked the sound of that. After several hours on the sauce and mixing with new their new friends, they became known as “the boys that came to the bog for a snog.” They felt partly daft and part superheroes.

They did a bit of bar hopping, trying to find the place with the best atmosphere. Then they found the Red Lion, the original pub where Zara’s father and his buddies thought up the now legendary sport, 50 years ago. There was an advertisement for the Championship and a list of rules on the smoke-stained pub wall. Fancy dress was optional, but the lads thought, ‘in for a penny in for a pound.”

They were going to scour the local charity shops in the morning to buy anything that would look ridiculous. Another rule was that unconventional swimming strokes were not allowed. Flippers had to be worn and the turning post (halfway) had to be touched or the competitor would be disqualified. The atmosphere around the town was like stag do in Bournemouth. Drunk, excitable and full of people wanting to become legends.

After waking up with hangovers and buying some silly clothes the lads got themselves to the venue, which was a lavish way to say a couple of long bogs (ditches). They looked cold, dirty, and smelly, they resembled medieval sewers.

They all had their go, and the enthusiastic crowd was cheering them on, but after giving their all, they were miles away from winning. A guy called Neil Rutter had won the men’s title and had broken the world record, in what is now known as, the world’s weirdest race. A lady dressed as a mermaid, called Dawn had won the women’s title.

After the race had finished and everyone was showered and clean, the majority of the mad lunatics hit the town to celebrate a great event. Cider, beer and plenty of shots were sunk by the triumphant competitors. The lads had a great night, they made some brilliant friends and agreed to do it all over again the following year, as long as none of them died from dysentery.

By the time they got home the following day, they were completely exhausted. They felt like they had been to Magaluf in Spain for two weeks, their livers wanted a transplant.

The following Friday they met up with the girls at the same pub. They had drinks bought for them and they showed Zara, Faye, and Anita the videos and pictures that they took on their adventure in Wales. The girls were incredibly impressed with how they committed themselves to their mission. But what the lads didn’t know was what the girls had planned for them next.

The ladies had done their homework and had found another, extreme, ridiculous and chaotic event for the boys. This time it was the World Gravy Wrestling Championship, held of course in Lancashire. Zara, the most confident of the girls, got her phone out and read from the official website.

“The wild and whacky wrestling competition in a pool full of Lancashire Gravy! Contestants must wrestle in the Gravy for 2 minutes, Points are scored for fancy dress, comedy effect, and entertainment. All our contestants get sponsorship and really give it their all to raise money for charity. There are many activities for the family, in previous years we have had cheer leading groups, BB gun shooting range, Bouncy castles, face painting, craft beer stalls, cake and tombola stands.”

The girls watched the boys faces to see their reactions. At first the boys stared at each other whilst the dare entered the beer-soaked brains.

Within seconds the lads were laughing and hugging each other with the enthusiasm of a squirrel rediscovering it’s lost stash of winter nuts.

“That sounds amazing, I’m well up for that.” Said Mike, who secretly thought he could win. “Another weekend away with my mates, and this time we get delicious beef gravy instead of soggy, smelly mud. That’s awesome.”

Another round of mouth-watering amber nectar was bought to celebrate, and as they chatted to the girls and planned their next big event, Zara, Anita and Faye had another wonderful surprise in stall.

They decided on going with the lads to Lancashire, the home of the World Gravy Wrestling Championship. They had seen how much fun the boys had when they went to bog snorkelling and didn’t want to miss out on another adventure. The lads were over the moon and wanted to hire a large Airbnb for the six of them, but the girls wanted their own space. Anita was petite and very shy and didn’t want to stay under the same roof as the boys, especially as she hadn’t known them for long.

The day came and they headed up north in two separate cars, they had hired two places, but they were both near the town centre and only five minutes from each other. The conversations in the cars were hugely different though. Faye, Anita and Zara were talking about the clothes that had brought with them, they researched the local pubs and restaurants and had made a lose plan of what to do and when. They were accountants, so were well organised and thorough.

The lads on the other hand spoke about the girls, everyone fancied Zara, she was tall, blonde and pretty. All of the boys were hoping to get some alone time with her; however, all three women were attractive, and fussiness is not usually in the male’s vocabulary.

The girls did speak about the boys but were a little more subtle. They thought Mike was funny and strong, Will seemed sensitive and thoughtful, and Neil was tall and handsome, but that was a far as they would commit. They’d decided to not sign up for the wrestling but would instead watch and encourage the boys. It was fancy dress, so they were planning costumes for the guys, the sillier the better.

Once they had got comfortable in their weekend accommodations, they all met up in town and went for lunch. The girls told the lads about their research on the local pubs and had made an itinerary, the guys just looked at each other and laughed but agreed to the plan. They knew that after a few drinks the girls would would forget about the strict itinerary and they could just go to the loudest and busiest bar.

As the night went on, the drinks flowed and they began to bump into other people there for the wrestling, some were novices and others came back every year. It was a great night, and they got on really well. Will and Zara were getting on great and kept disappearing for a few minutes here and there, which got the other four talking.

“What were they up to?”

“Were they together?”

“Are they going to tell the group and make it formal?”

Whilst they were discussing the drama, Anita and Neil were holding hands under the table.

Poor Mike and Faye were lagging behind but kept smiling at each other. Faye was a quiet girl, she was incredibly beautiful but lacked in confidence, Mike was quite loud and made lots of jokes. Faye would gaze at him whilst he was in full flow with his silly stories, adventures, and his quick-witted comebacks.

The other guys began to tease them, and Faye buried her head in his neck, shielding from the jokes, but also using it as an excuse for a cuddle and to smell his aftershave. She was smitten.

The following day after breakfast, the guys all met up, and headed off to the wrestling venue in Stacksteads. It’s held at the Rose N Bowl pub, with a huge inflatable square ring in the field next to it. There were a lot of contestants all dressed up in silly clothes and Mick dressed up as Elvis, Neil was the Joker and Will was Ali G. They looked amazing as well as incredibly stupid, but it was for charity and just a bit of fun. Points were scored for their costumes, skills, showmanship and acrobatics.

As everyone waited for the first round and the cold gravy was being poured into the middle of the ring, the lads became a bit nervous. Anita had sneaked in a small bottle of whiskey, which the lads gulped from to bring them some Dutch courage.

The first bout kicked off and there was plenty of prancing around and peacocking. The fights were two minutes long and it was great fun.

As usual everyone was mingling, pints were being served and all-round stupidity was going on, much like a night at a rugby Christmas party. They all had a great day which led to a night of fun and memories.

A few days later, whilst back at the local pub the boys came up with a new weekend away. They had discovered the Maldon Mud Race, in Essex which was on the following month. At the Maldon Mud Race, competitors are tasked with completing a 400-metre dash over the bed of the River Blackwater. It began in 1973 when a local pub attempted to serve a meal on the riverbank dressed in smart clothes. It didn’t end smart, and after that drunken escapade came the mud race.

Everyone was excited and up for it and this time they decided to stay under one roof, just three double rooms were needed. The six friends had become three couples, the lads had pulled it off, like Mission Impossible. Everything was going so well, their social lives were great, love lives were new but on track, and they were all working. What could go wrong?

They traveled up to Maldon in three cars, each couple were together as the lads were secretly racing to get there first. The accommodation was nice, and it was first come first served, so the unofficial road race was on.

Once everyone was settled in, it was the same drill. The girls took ages getting ready and the boys watched football. They went out for food, had a look around and found a pub with a nice beer garden and did the opposite to every other athlete that existed and drank beer for the next five hours.

They found the pub from which the mud race was created, they saw photos and met former competitors, it was a great night. Stories were swapped and memories were made. Pictures were being taken by all.

The next day the hungover lads did their best to win the mud race, but it wasn’t to be. They all fell short but had a great time. Mike got an injured ankle and was hobbling around after the race, he claimed it was a sprain, but it was more like a twisted ankle. It didn’t stop him joining in with the dancing with the others in the pub that night, as Belinda Carlisle’s number one from the 80’s, “Heaven is a Place on Earth,” was playing loud and proud. It was all going so well.

Then, in a blink of an eye, everything changed.

Suddenly Anita had disappeared, she was no where to be seen in the pub or outside. At first the group just looked around and asked the people in the pub. Zara was calling Anita’s mobile number, but it was turned off. She left several voicemails and text messages.

After around an hour they called the police. The guys were frantic and when the police arrived, they promised to put her details out over the police radio and on their social media, Zara sent them a recent picture. By now the pub had closed and there were several police officers looking around for evidence. There was nothing more the group could do other than go back to their accommodation and await a call, after all, Anita was an adult and could do whatever she wished.

By the time the morning came they had managed a few hours sleep but hey were frantic with worry. A short while later after they were boiling the kettle for the twentieth time there was someone at the door.

“Knock, knock, knock.”

There was a young man with a long coat, huge sideburns and thick rimmed glasses claiming to be a DI stood at the doorway.

They nervously let him in, hoping for good news but fearing the worst.

“Good morning, I hope you managed some sleep. I’m Detective Inspector Atina, I’m going to get straight to the point as I’m sure you’re all desperate for an update.

Unfortunately, your friend Anita has been kidnapped. We are following a few leads, but we know from our police records that a few years ago after a short relationship, Anita had problems with her ex. The perpetrator was given a police caution and a non-molestation order not to make contact with her in anyway.

We have checked CCTV in the pub and the perp was in the pub that night. He competed in the mud run disguised as The Riddler and had befriended a group who also competed.

It is not known how she was taken from the pub, but every CCTV in the area is being checked.”

Neil shouted out, “What are you talking about? She never told me about any ex. She would have told me if there had been problems, I’m sure.

Who is this bastard?”

The Detective Inspector said,

“So, are you Anita’s new boyfriend?

How long have you been together? And when did you last see her?”

Neil was incensed, he felt like he was being interrogated. The DI tried to calm Neil down and reassured him that they had a couple of good leads that they were chasing. He didn’t want to give the name of the suspect as they weren’t 100% sure it was him and the group wouldn’t have recognised the name anyway. The DI tried to leave on a good note and said that there was a good chance she would be back with them within 24 hours, he left his number.

The group then sat at the huge dining table and reflected on what the DI had told them; they were in shock. It felt so strange that Anita had kept the terrible past relationship to herself, they felt a little bit down and that Anita hadn’t trusted them.

Neil, still wound up and desperate for answers, then had an idea to review all of their camera phones to see if there was a person who kept popping up in the different events and pubs they had attended. They broke into two groups and started to review the pictures and videos. At first, they didn’t notice anyone, but of course a lot of the events were fancy dress, the perfect disguise for a stalker.

After around twenty minutes, Faye shouted out,

“I’ve got him! I think.”

Everyone rushed around to Faye’s side of the table, and she showed everyone what she had seen.

“OK guys, bear with me. Have a look at this picture in the pub from last night, look behind Anita and Mike, the man at the corner of the bar, he’s looking in the camera's direction, yeah.”

“Yes Faye, where are going with this?” Said a frantic Neil.

“Now, have a look at this picture, it’s the same guy, but this time we are in the Rose N Bowl pub in Stacksteads, he’s in the distance looking at Anita, he’s behind that group of drinkers just watching us.”

The group make a uniformed noise of appreciation to Faye’s detective skills.

Faye continued,

“Now look here, this picture is from all of the competitors at the gravy wrestling. Look at the man at the end dressed like the Riddler from Batman. He’s wearing a small mask over his eyes but I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy.”

Zara said, “What the hell. How long had he been stalking us? The bloke is crazy.”

Then Mike said, “Have a look at this picture. Is that him to the left of this picture of Neil and I downing shots?

He’s got a hat on and a moustache, he’s the annoying guy selling roses in that restaurant we had dinner in.”

Faye had a look and said, “I think that is him. He’s been on our trail for weeks. He’s dangerous, I’m scared.”

Faye and Zara hugged each other and cried. The boys tried to console them, but they all feared the worst.

“Ding dong, ding dong.”

The doorbell rang and startled the group. Mike got up and went to the door, he tentatively opened it up and it was the postman. He had a huge beard and scraggly hair, and he passed over a medium sized parcel.

Mike didn’t think too much about it and took the parcel, shut the door and put the parcel on the side table. He walked back over to the group and Faye asked him who the parcel was for.

Mike said,

“Oh, I didn’t really look, hold on, I’ll grab it….

It says it’s for….Neil.”

Neil stood up, “What, it’s for me? Other than you guys, no one knows I’m here. That’s crazy.”

Mike passed the brown parcel to Neil. Neil shook it and then read the address. He pulled at the paper covering and unwrapped a white box. He stopped and then looked at his eager audience egging him on.

He put the white box on the table and open it from the middle, as he opened it his fingers were shaking, he was really nervous.

Once opened he reached in and pulled up a picture that was lying face down. He turned it over and there was a picture of Anita in a steel kennel type box. She had a rag wrapped around her mouth; she looked dishevelled and scared, it was awful, like something out of a horror movie.

Neil almost collapsed, Mike called the DI to update him of the parcel and the pictures they discovered of the perpetrator hiding in plain sight. The young DI attended the house and took copies of the pictures and then they noticed a note in the box.

It said,

“Stop looking for Anita. You will never find her. She has gone to a better place.”

Zara and Faye began to cry, and the boys were speechless. The DI sat back and watched the group disintegrate into pieces. He then stood up and said,

“I will do everything I can to free her.”

With that he left the house. The group didn’t know what to do, they had to rely on the police to do their job, but none of them were convinced that the DI was the right man for the job. He didn’t come across like a normal police officer, he had strange mannerisms, and he looked odd. He had thick glasses and big sideburns; he looked too young to be a DI.

Things were getting stressful at the house; nobody knew what to do and they were getting restless and irritable. Neil was blaming himself. Zara and Faye thought they must have been bad friends and untrustworthy for Anita to share her terrible past. Mike was smoking like a chimney, and Will was quiet and accused of not caring.

A few hours later, the doorbell rang and there were two men stood in the rain at the front door, they were wearing badly fitted suits and looked tired.

“Hello, we are from the police, I’m Detective Sergeant Graham and this is Detective Constable James. Can we come in please?”

Faye showed them into the living room, and they sat their weary bodies down at the dining table. DS Graham explained that had discovered CCTV footage of a drunk Anita and a male getting into a taxi. They believe that she had been drugged by the perpetrator. There colleagues were on their way to speak to the taxi driver to see where they were dropped off and whether he to was in on it. Faye explained that the DI had copies of their pictures of the suspect and that he’s always in some sort of disguise.

The DS said,

“What DI are you talking about? We’ve only just been allocated one. As Anita is an adult, until we had it confirmed she was abducted and hadn’t just left with someone else, she was just a missing person. What was the DI’s name?”

Neil replied,

“What’s going on here? You lot don’t know your arse from your elbow. His name is DI Atina; he’s a young guy with glasses and sideburns. He’s already been around a few times.”

“I’m sorry Neil, but I’ve never heard of him. I’ll contact the station to make sure; he could be new to the station.”

Then Zara stood up and said,

“Wait, WTF!

Atina is Anita spelt backwards. Let’s have a look at the pictures again. It could be the same bloody guy.”

The five friends were in shock; had they been stood in the same room as the kidnapper?

With that they all got their mobile phones out and began to search for the pictures to show the suspect to the DS. After a while, they were all convinced it was the same person, they were fuming.

They spent the next thirty minutes, figuring out a plan. They had the fake DI’s phone number, so the plan was to call him with the promise of some exciting, updated news. The DS was going to get back up and they would wait in hiding until he arrived and the pounce like panthers.

Brave Zara dialled the phone number, and it rang and rang, she was about to hang up but then it was answered.

“Hello, is that DI Atina?

“Yes, who is this?

“This is Zara, I’m Anita’s friend, we have some new information we think might help. Can you pop over?

“OKAY, how interesting, I’ll be over in about half an hour.”

The trap was set and once they had Atina in cuffs, they were going to find out exactly where Anita was being kept.

The officers were in place and the egomaniac DI/kidnapper arrived in twenty-five minutes. The police were in hiding as he pulled up around the corner in his white transit van. He walked around the corner and up to the front door. He readjusted his sideburns and glasses and knocked without hesitation.

Just as the door was slowly opened, police jumped out from behind and grabbed and cuffed him. It all happened so quickly, and he was transported to police custody in what seemed like a blink of an eye. The five friends were pleading with the police to find out where Anita was, but the suspect wouldn’t say. They got him on the live scanner which checks fingerprints and identified the man as Cliff Robinson, it turned out he was wanted for several crimes involving other women.

The police’s next job was to discover where Anita was being kept, but Cliff wouldn’t say. He knew that if he admitted to her whereabouts, he would be admitting guilt, so he said absolutely nothing. The police tried all of their psychological tricks for hours and hours, but Cliff wouldn’t budge.

The rest of Anita’s friends were told to go home, there was nothing they could do about it, they had done a great job in helping the police get as far as they had. Once they were all packed up and ready to go, they got in the three cars and headed out.

Just as they were getting out of the road, Mike noticed a dirty white transit van as he waited to get out of the junction. It was parked under a tree and looked slightly out of place. He beckoned the others to pull over and they got out to have a look at the van.

The transit was locked but from the windscreen they could see a large box in the back. They were sure the police would have checked Cliff’s vehicle out, but they may have been too busy trying to break him down. They banged on the side and shined their torches through the windscreen, but they couldn’t see any movement.

Just as they were going to get back in their cars, they looked at the van and it slightly swayed from left to right. They froze and just kept watching. Neil walked over to the side of the path and picked up a fist sized rock. He didn’t say a word; it was as though he was in a trance.

He walked up to the front of the van and threw the rock with all his power though the windscreen. It completed shattered and created a hole for them to look through it properly. They could see the frame of a dog cage. Neil jumped on to the bonnet of the van and kicked a hole big enough for him to climb through, his heart was pounding like a piston in an engine. The others circled the van and encouraged him. He eventually got in and found poor Anita with her hands bound behind her back and a rag gagging her. She was in ripped clothes and was filthy. Neil opened the rear doors and Mike climbed in. They found a crowbar under an oily cloth in the corner which they used to force the cage door and release the sobbing, shaking and very relieved Anita.

Neil embraced her and they started to cry whilst hugging. Anita had dried blood on her head and face, and she was in a lot of pain. The others all waited their turn to comfort her, and Neil unfastened her tied hands. Anita was saved, she had cuts and bruises, but she was physically fine.

 The police sent a DC to get her statement, and an ambulance checked her over to make sure she was fit enough to go home. From that night Neil vowed to stay with her for as long as she wanted.

The mental scars would take many years to heal, but only time, trust and friendship would help. Anita tried to explain why she didn’t confide in her friends about this horrible man, but she was just simply embarrassed. She didn’t want to keep reliving the story and dragging up old pains, she just wanted to move on.

The following year the guys carried on with their unusual hobby of travelling the country sampling new and bizarre traditions. They went to the Cooper’s Hill Cheese Rolling race in Gloucestershire, the World Conker Championship in Northamptonshire and the World Marbles Championship in Crawley where Neil proposed to Anita. It was celebrated by their best friends, Will and Zara and Mike and Faye, along with their newborn daughter, Amy.

It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining and people from all over the world were competing with their marbles in a pub car park. Neil walked over to the Mr Whippy van to buy some 99’s and had a double take at the man operating the machine, he had thick glasses, sideburns and a moustache. Will’s blood began to boil; he started to freak out, he leant forward to grab him, just as he was about to make contact a teenage boy popped up from the front cab with some more chocolate sauce.

“Is this what you wanted Grandpa?”

“Yes darling, thank you.”

Neil quickly realised it wasn’t Cliff, of course it wasn’t, Cliff was in HMP High Down serving nine years. Neil thanked the man, paid for his ice cream, rejoined his friends and gave Anita a reassuring kiss on the cheek.

“Don’t let the past steal your present.” C.Morgen.

The End.